Hockey’s not High School and the Caps’ Goaltending Situation Isn’t a Popularity Contest

The Toronto Maple Leafs’ joy just may amount to Michal Neuvirth’s misery.

Neuvirth missed a chance to get in Washington Capitals head-coach Bruce Boudreau’s good graces on Monday when the Caps led the Toronto Maple Leafs 4-1 in the third period and ended up losing 5-4 in a shootout, an unfortunate twist of events that boils down to an ill-advised and badly timed error in judgment.

Think something along the lines of letting your guard down and that wimpy kid in gym class get in a free shot with the dodgeball and then getting surprised when he doesn’t just knock you out of the game, but on your ass for all the school to see. It’s a pain deep within the cockles of your heart that won’t subside until you get a chance to beat up that same kid in retaliation beyond all recognition. FYI, on a totally unrelated topic, the Leafs next play the Caps next January 22. Should be fun.

With the heart-wrenching defeat, Neuvirth can now expect teammate Semyon Varlamov to get another kick at the can when the Caps take on the Florida Panthers on Thursday. Monday marked the third-straight defeat for the Caps, who had lost to the Dallas Stars and Atlanta Thrashers beforehand, with losses credited to Neuvirth bookending one to Varlamov.

That isn’t to say the Capitals’ goaltending situation is lacklustre. The three-game losing streak is just one of two such low points this season for the Southeast division-leading Caps, who are an impressive 18-8-3. And, discounting the shootout-winning goal yesterday, the team has still only allowed nine goals in those three games, which, admittedly isn’t spectacular, but still amounts to a better goals-against average than that of the Tampa Bay Lightning since the start of the season, who wouldn’t know a starting goalie from Andre “Red Light” Racicot if a young Patrick Roy suddenly materialized in front of Steve Yzerman in complete hockey gear, asking to point him in the direction of Mike Vernon so he can go deal with some unfinished business.

In fact, the Capitals’ goaltending has been a breath of fresh air, just one example of a truly bizarro season thus far that has already seen Alexander Semin lead the team in goals, Alexander Ovechkin once go nine games without one, and Steven Stamkos somehow move past him in fans’ eyes as the second-best player in the game today. I think we can all agree Carey Price has usurped Sidney Crosby as number one, but that may just be my inner Habs fan talking.

In any case, since returning from injury, Varlamov has compiled a 4-2 record, with a 1.92 goals-against average, and a .934 save percentage. Neuvirth hasn’t exactly been a slouch, going 12-4-2, with a 2.66 GAA and .909 save percentage, but what once seemed like a certainty, that it was Neuvirth’s job to lose once Varlamov got his lower body in check following what must have been a few visits too many to the local bordello, is now embroiled in anything but.

"Okay... quickly, when no one's looking. Give me your helmet and then your jersey. This is the only way I'll get another start."

Varlamov has played himself back into the driver’s seat, meaning the next bend in the road is his through which to navigate. It’s the outcome most envisioned taking place when the Caps brass made the incredibly hard decision to let Jose Theodore walk last off-season. This one is considerably easier, however. You go with the more talented goalie, and that’s Varlamov.

Feel sorry for Neuvirth if you must, because Boudreau won’t, nor will anyone else, be looking to give him a break… even if he deserves one. There aren’t any phys-ed teachers looking to give everyone a chance with the ball here… just bullies looking for the upper hand and to crush you square between the eyes when you least expect it.

Burmistrov still Has Schultz Searching for His Footing... and Neuvirth for His Jock

This is from Friday night's 5-0 Atlanta Thrashers' win over the Washington Capitals which proves two things: On any given night the Thrashers can compete against the league's elite (they are 2-1-1 against the Caps this season), even if back-up Braden Holtby started the game (starter Michal Neuvirth finished it and was in net for this beauty of a goal); and the Thrashers are in the (very) capable hands of Burmistrov (I think it's safe to say with hands like that a job in construction was never in the cards) going forward along with those of the Thrashers' other young guns in Evander Kane, Zach Bogosian, Tobias Enstrom, Niclas Bergfors, Bryan Little, Tobias Enstrom, Dustin Byfuglien, and even captain Andrew Ladd, who has yet to turn 25. Talk about a youth movement done right. Enstrom is the oldest of that group and he's only 26. Goalie Ondrej Pavelec (23), who only has a 3-4 record, also has a 1.93 goals-against average to go along with a .939 save percentage.

Speaking of goals of the year, there are shades of Kane's goal earlier this year against the New York Rangers:

And every goal-of-the-year discussion has to include Edmonton Oiler Jordan Eberle's first:

If I've missed any, feel free to let me know, but I'm at least confident in the quality of these as nominees and them standing up until the end of the season as such. So sick are they that Britney Spears called to ask for her schtick back. So sick are they that Tom Cruise called and wants to recruit each of them as scientologists (not the players, the goals, proving just how sick he is in turn). So sick are they that Sean Avery reportedly feels threatened, called, and wants to recommend a good therapist to help out just so he can hold onto whatever ounce of attention he has left in the league. And that's pretty sick.

With Goaltending like This, Who Needs Goalies?

Memo to all NHL teams: cut-out goalies can be purchased at your local sporting-goods stores at the very reasonable price of approximately 1/100,000 of what you're paying your actual ones. That, and they don't talk back as much when they feel like they're not starting enough.

On Sunday, quite a few general managers might have felt like making such an investment, with a total of 30 goals scored in just four games, which translates into 3.75 allowed per team. Admittedly, New York Ranger Marian Gaborik and Edmonton Oiler Nikolai Khabibulin did their part in inflating those statistics, with the former actually doing his job after pulling a Houdini of late, and the latter showing his age... apparently the same as the actual Berlin Wall, complete with the all the cracks you would come to expect from something that's 49 years old... and got torn down two decades ago.

Still, as far as I can tell, of the eight Khabibulin allowed, none were as bad as the one above by the Minnesota Wild's Cal Clutterbuck on the Tampa Bay Lightning's Dan Ellis, or Washington Capital Alexander Ovechkin's on Atlanta Thrasher Chris Mason, who actually put it in his own net (below).

So, the Wild's Niklas Backstrom gets credit for providing the only real credible performance of the night, with just one goal allowed (37 saves) against the Bolts. But Chuck Fletcher had probably take note of the memo above for playoff time (if the Wild get that far). Jose Theodore is your back-up after all.

Derek Boogaard: Gun not Goon for Hire

Don't look now, but New York Rangers superstar Derek Boogaard (he's a superstar in his own way) is on pace for career-highs in goals and points following this blast last night against the Washington Capitals. It would seem the ever-versatile forward can not only punch, uppercut, jab, cut open, hit, and concuss opponents. Now he can add snipe to his repertoire as well. Granted those aforementioned highs are projected to be six goals and 12 points this year, and no one is really expecting him to not go another five seasons between goals, but in its own way yesterday was special... like the Northern Lights, or, perhaps more accurately, Halley's Comet, which occur every three-quarters of a century. I guess now we know why general manager Glen Sather reached out to Boogaard, because it sure as hell wasn't for his penalties-in-minutes totals, which are now up to a meagre 21 in 13 games. We also know why the Capitals are not known for their defense, as well as why Tyler Sloan is really only now, at the age of 29, getting a full-time shot in the NHL. The bright side of this? He now has a story to tell his grandkids one day, being one of the few to allow Boogaard, now with four career markers, to get the best of them on the ice without him using his fists.

Building a Rep and Learning How to Get into Clubs as an Underage Goalie

"I'm so fly! Maybe a girl will actually let me buy her a drink tonight!"

It was nice to see Washington Capitals goalie Michal Neuvirth get his first-ever shutout on Wednesday night, not that it meant he had secured the number-one goaltending spot for the Caps all of a sudden, but because he just looks like he could use the acclaim being thrown his way, to, I don’t know, pop his cherry and grow up and out of that dazed-and-confused seventh-grader look of his.

For the record, Neuvirth is 22 (despite looking 10 years younger; even the beard he wears every so often looks like it could be the unwanted result of him getting drunk and falling asleep at a kegger way too early). His teammate and rival for that starting role is Semyon Varlamov, who’s also 22. Despite their age, they most definitely bring a sense of stability to the position in Washington not seen since the days of Jose Theodore... scratch that, Cristobal Huet... sorry, Olaf Kolzig... my bad... Jim Carey???

 

Let’s just say that they bring a level of competence never before seen in the Washington net. That’s even taking into account Huet playing pretty well for the team in the quarter-season he was with the Caps and Kolzig being a decent goalie back in the day, even winning the 2000 Vezina Trophy. However, it should never be forgotten that Carey also won the award in 1996, serving as proof that one Vezina does not make a career. All the Net Detective did after 1996 was travel between counties as part of a convention tour, signing autographs as “The Other Jim Carrey”, trying to make a living all the while getting up each morning in an alcohol-soaked bed laced with his own filth and beside a different confused groupie who thought she made it with the comedian... or so I’ve been told.

Interesting factoid: Kolzig and Carey doublehandedly ruined then-Buffalo Sabre Dominik Hasek’s bid for an unprecedented eight-straight Vezinas between 1993 and 2001. This of course serves as undeniable proof that there was a conspiracy at work at the highest levels. Need some more? Theodore won the award the very next season in 2002. What this conspiracy meant to accomplish is anyone’s guess, but there it is.

In any case, what is most surprising about Neuvirth’s sudden rise is that everyone had Varlamov pegged as the go-to guy after the Caps (wisely) decided not to re-sign Theodore. Varlamov was the one tasked with cleaning up Theodore’s messes the last two post-season’s, almost leading the Caps to the Eastern Conference Final two years ago before Washington fell to the Pittsburgh Penguins in seven games. This past post-season, he came in in relief of Theodore in game two of the Eastern Conference quarter-final against the Montreal Canadiens after Theodore had let in two goals on two shots. Varlamov then rallied the Caps to three-straight victories before everything came tumbling down for Washington.

Despite Varlamov’s success, including a 19-5 career record in the regular season, the injury bug has opened the door for Neuvirth, who seems to have the inside track toward earning that coveted starter’s position... and of course the title of the hardest-to-pronounce name between the two. Is it New-virth? Noi-virth? It’s long since been established that it’s supposed to be Var-LA-Mov and not Var-LAH-Mov, but I think it would make sense for the Caps to start putting on the phonetic pronunciations of players’ names on the backs of their jerseys. It could do fans some good to actually get to know and grow attached to the players they’re watching, especially seeing as both Neuvirth and Varlamov seem destined to stay a while.

For his part, Neuvirth, who has a 6-2 record so far this season, to go along with a .929 save percentage and a 2.18 goals-against average, may not end this season as the Caps’ undisputed number one, but he is definitely earning a name for himself, at least one worthy of his fake ID.

"One of these things is not like the others."