Derek Boogaard: Gun not Goon for Hire

Don't look now, but New York Rangers superstar Derek Boogaard (he's a superstar in his own way) is on pace for career-highs in goals and points following this blast last night against the Washington Capitals. It would seem the ever-versatile forward can not only punch, uppercut, jab, cut open, hit, and concuss opponents. Now he can add snipe to his repertoire as well. Granted those aforementioned highs are projected to be six goals and 12 points this year, and no one is really expecting him to not go another five seasons between goals, but in its own way yesterday was special... like the Northern Lights, or, perhaps more accurately, Halley's Comet, which occur every three-quarters of a century. I guess now we know why general manager Glen Sather reached out to Boogaard, because it sure as hell wasn't for his penalties-in-minutes totals, which are now up to a meagre 21 in 13 games. We also know why the Capitals are not known for their defense, as well as why Tyler Sloan is really only now, at the age of 29, getting a full-time shot in the NHL. The bright side of this? He now has a story to tell his grandkids one day, being one of the few to allow Boogaard, now with four career markers, to get the best of them on the ice without him using his fists.

Paul Holmgren is no Bob Barker, both Literally and Figuratively

"Crazily, we decided to keep the smaller of the three. More crazily? It's worked out for the best."

The Philadelphia Flyers continued their dangerous game of The Price is Right on Monday, making Claude Giroux the latest contestant in their continual attempts to get as close to the salary cap as possible without going over. Makes you kind of wish Bob Barker was around to beat some sense into general manager Paul Holmgren.

In all seriousness, Holmgren has done a decent job in general of making the Flyers contenders. People forget that it was only 2006-2007 when the Flyers finished last overall in the league by a pretty huge margin with 56 points (and still missed out on Patrick Kane). The very next season, they made it to the Eastern Conference final, serving as proof of some sort that Holmgren knows what he’s doing. Flash forward several years, and it’s become readily apparent that the Flyers have been so successful not necessarily due to Holmgren but shockingly in spite of some of the moves he’s made.

How’s he doing it? Luck? Sorcery? Deal with the Devil? Crystal ball? Through blackmail when rival general managers refuse to play ball upon receiving sexual favours from him in exchange for a thrown game here and there? Your guess is as good as mine, but I will say I’m leaning towards the last one, because luck doesn’t exist (the Devil does; he just clearly has better things to worry about, like getting his team out of the dumps above all else).

Here’s a guy (Holmgren, not the Devil) that reached out to Ray Emery to solve the Flyers’ goaltending problem in net... Ray Emery, the emotional train wreck of a goaltender that wasn’t even good enough to man the crease for the Ottawa Senators! The Ottawa Senators! Whose idea of a number-one goaltender is Damian Rhodes!

Of course, Emery gets injured and the Flyers turn to former waiver-wire trash Michael Leighton as the team’s saviour, and somehow that turns into a miracle, up until the point that he lets in perhaps the softest Stanley Cup-winning goal in history.

“Don’t worry, buddy, how’s a two-year, multi-million-dollar contract sound as a reward? Awesome, but, wait, what’s that? You’re injured to start the year? No, prob, we’ve got this unknown goaltender by the name of Bob Tverdovsky, or something like that. He must be Oleg’s brother. He’ll manage just fine until you’re good to go.”

Now Sergei Bobrovsky’s stellar start to the season (8-2-1) aside, it should be readily apparent that Holmgren has more lives than a cat equipped with body armour, or he’s just in really good with the man upstairs. And now comes Giroux’s three-year contract extension, to the tune of $11.25 million, which will come into effect next year. This means that he will become a very rich man, thanks mainly to one solid stretch of playoff hockey over the course of his inconsistent career (which admittedly has led him atop the Flyers scoring ranks early this season as well with 14 points in 15 games).

Logic would dictate that Holmgren should have perhaps waited at least a few months for Giroux’s point-per-game ratio to inevitably tank, thereby getting him somewhat cheaper, but all in all it seems as if Giroux is here to stay, so the deal can’t be bad-mouthed all that much. Conversely, you have the fact that the team’s payroll for next year is already above $50 million ($52,893,096) with just 18 players under contract.

So, seeing as the salary cap has gone up from $39 million to $59.4 million in five seasons, figure Holmgren has about $10 million with which to sign five players, including Daniel Carcillo, Ville Leino, and Jeff Carter among others (Nikolay Zherdev has been left off this list for the very simple reason that the only way he stays in Philly is if he gets on board and starts giving out the aforementioned sexual favours in Holmgren’s proxy).

"The jersey must be cursed, 'cuz both will be former Flyers pretty soon."

This situation could clearly have been avoided and, with each passing contract handed out, the end result is less and less pretty. Maybe Giroux’s contract was unavoidable, but the Flyers are still without a big-name goaltender (unless you count the one with the actual big name), Chris Pronger is set to man the team’s blue line until he’s a brittle old man (although he may already be considered brittle), and one of the team’s top goal scorers is set to get offer sheets aplenty come July 1. As such, the writing is likely on the bathroom wall regarding Carter’s departure from Philly... right beside Holmgren’s phone number for a good time.

The Ugliest Hockey Jersey of All-Time?

Saskatoon Blades Marek Viedensky (left) and Darian Dziurzynski show off their jerseys, made to look like denim and to be worn on Friday as a one-night only promotion. Thank God.

Top 10 Reasons Why Hockey Jerseys Should not Be Made out of Denim:

#10: Why would you need pockets to play hockey? To hold the jock sweat of opposing players?

#9: Only the presumed beer in your water bottle should weigh you down and not your jersey.

#8: For that classic look of casual apathy a hockey player is supposed to convey.

#7: The last time I checked, hockey wasn't NASCAR.

#6: Teams will start needing to employ sewing-capable equipment managers for those times buttons fall off.

#5: It's a slippery slope. The next thing you know they'll be wearing trucker hats instead of helmets, shades instead of visors, boots instead of skates, and square-dancing instead of playing hockey. I for one am not prepared to see Derek Boogaard hoedown instead of beat someone mercilessly.

#4: There's obviously some kind of throwback element here, obviously to the times hockey players wore denim, but some things should stay in the past: Pauly Shore, hair metal, parachute pants, etc.

#3: Please don't make them wear parachute pants next.

#2: Teams don't need fans mistaking the hockey game for a rodeo, and, out West especially, getting up, and leaving when the bull never arrives.

#1: They go a little too well with the cut-off shorts players already wear.

Some other nominees for the ugliest hockey jersey ever worn and thought to be fashionable:

For some reason, ugly jerseys seem to originate out West, with the Vancouver Canucks, Los Angeles Kings, and Anaheim Ducks all displaying their marketing departments' lack of brilliance. I can somewhat understand the Kings and Canucks ones, because they're retro, but the Ducks??? Talk about cross-promotion gone wrong. That animated series from the '90s was not exactly something to look back on fondly. The jersey is something to burn.

Zetterberg Does it All as Coyotes Crumble to One-Man Wrecking Crew

Not only does Detroit Red Wing Henrik Zetterberg draw the penalty, but he also scores the game-winning goal on a nice deflection in front on the delayed call, as the Wings beat the Phoenix Coyotes 3-2 in overtime on Monday. It's almost a foregone conclusion that Detroit would have scored on the four-on-three advantage, but all that means is Zetterberg could have easily given up the puck and given his team two full minutes of shooting-gallery action instead of helping to set up his own goal. As fun as shooting shot-blocking, diving Coyotes in the shins sounds, I'm sure Zetterberg and the Wings will take the win, while the Coyotes will have to go back to the drawing board.

The Do’s and Doan’s of Building a Contender: Why the Phoenix Coyotes are Mired in a Slump

It used to be that Phoenix Coyotes captain Shane Doan was a fantasy hound. He struck the perfect balance between contributing the odd point and making the odd trip to the penalty box, with the odd alleged slur aimed at French Canadians added in for good measure. But no longer. Now the only slurs he’s uttering are solely in karma’s direction.

Doan recently found himself on the receiving end of an awkward collision with Dallas Star Nicklas Grossman, sustaining a lower-body injury last Friday with the hit. As a result, he’s been put on the shelf for what is being called an extended period of time. This after he nearly sidelined Anaheim Duck Dan Sexton with an illegal hit last month and broke Cam Fowler’s nose in the same game. 

Meanwhile, his Coyotes have lost more than their captain, going 4-5-4 in the team’s first 13 games this season. Last year after the same amount of games they were 9-4 en route to a franchise-record 107-point season. So, without further ado, a simple do’s and Doan’s list to be used as a reference guide for head coach Dave Tippett and general manager Don Maloney:

Do play your best players. I don’t think anyone knows exactly why Wojtek Wolski was a healthy scratch for two games, except for his obvious goal-scoring drought that has somehow made its way through the entire roster like a new strand of the Black Plague. I mean, Ed Jovanovski’s a good guy, but not who you want leading your team in scoring. Truth be told, Wolski does have six points in his last six games, with his two games out of the line-up coming smack-dab in the middle. So, the next best guess regarding his benching: Wolski spit in his coffee and instead of snickering behind Tippett’s back, he was all in-your-face about it. Smooth, Wojtek.

"Easy as spitting in your coach's coffee... I mean pie! Spitting in your coach's pie!"

Doan sign Eric Belanger and make him your number-one center. Too late, apparently. While Belanger is a healthy addition to any line-up, he should only be signed for depth purposes only. Belanger excels as a third-liner and can really only be expected to put up lower-tier top-six numbers, if that. The defensive aspect of his game is his strong suit and that should be embraced, not taken as a sign that he’s ready to step up and become a late-blooming French-Canadian Sidney Crosby.

Do examine your goaltending options. Ilya Bryzgalov has been decent in nets and cannot legitimately be considered a one-year wonder after his spectacular 2009-2010, but the team’s depth chart in goal is surprisingly thin. As it stands now, his being the best use of money by the name of Ilya in the NHL isn't exactly a ringing endorsement. With Vancouver Canuck Cory Schneider potentially available, maybe it’s time to think further down the line. Maybe it would be wise to consider actually challenging Bryzgalov to maintain his ever-softening grip on the number-one spot. Sure, Jason LaBarbera isn’t scaring anyone, but, put another way, neither is Al Montoya as your next viable option.

Doan trade for Marc Savard, no matter how in need your team is of a first-line center. Considering the logjam the Boston Bruins currently have at forward, it would be wise to wait until Savard actually gets healthy, at which point you should still be able to catch them desperate enough for cap relief to get him relatively cheaply. The rumours may not be true, but sometimes where there’s smoke there’s fire. And if the ones concerning Keith Yandle going back the other way are even remotely true, Maloney may end up being burned at the stake.

Do finally ease Kyle Turris into the line-up. Admittedly, Turris has been playing lately, but Tippett’s generosity has been inconsistent with his ice-time varying from a low of just over six minutes to a high of just under 18. I thought the Coyotes were trying to groom a first-liner, not an actual desert dog through behavioural conditioning. He’s been through enough already, missing out on being a Chicago Blackhawk being at the top of the list had Dale Tallon not guessed right with Patrick Kane three years ago.

"If this isn't a license to get crazy on the ice, I don't know what is."

Doan dole out illegal hits and then pretend you don’t know how you got suspended by the league. That has a nasty way of catching up to you and your teammates.

Obviously it’s still early in the season and a lot can change, but improvement can’t come soon enough. They take to the ice against the Detroit Red Wings, and, considering they were the team that eliminated Phoenix last post-season, it would make for a fitting time for the Coyotes to actually start living up to their potential. Maybe they did play over their heads last season, but, as Doan can attest to, hunting those of opponents is no way to get back on the winning track.

Just Like Duck Hunt, Hunting Ducks Blessed with AK-47s that Shoot Back

Paul Mara gave the Anaheim Ducks' faithful something to cheer about on Sunday during a season of defensive injuries, lapses, and general woes. It's somewhat fitting, or some weird form of vindication, for one of the team's less-prolific d-men to get the 5-4 winning goal in dramatic fashion on Sunday, with him scoring with less than two seconds left against the Nashville Predators. The two teams actually alternated scoring all the nine goals in the game, with forever-young Teemu Selanne scoring the first just 52 seconds in. Selanne, with two points, now shares the team-lead with 17 points. Mara, surprisingly, now has one goal and one point on the season. Considering his ever-decreasing point totals over his career, I half-expected him to have regressed into negative figures by now, but good for him.

Meanwhile, the Ducks have given up the third-most goals in the league with 50, which would be really, really depressing were it not for the fact that the Atlanta Thrashers and Chicago Blackhawks are the two teams that have given up 51. Then again, the New York Islanders have also given up 50, and few people are giving them much of a chance to make the playoffs, so read into that stat whatever you will.

Striking Oil in the Same Place Twice in 14 Seconds

I don't think the commentators gave the Oilers enough credit on the second goal of the two they scored in 14 seconds on Sunday night against the Chicago Blackhawks. Sure, defenseman Duncan Keith got his stick on the pass from Penner to Gagner, but it was still relatively pretty to watch, and it just goes to show that good things do happen when you go to the net. That being the case, I'm sure Sheldon Souray hasn't been to a net in a while... Coincidentally, the fastest two goals in Oilers history apparently took place last year, on November 24, when Souray and Ales Hemsky scored seven second apart against the Phoenix Coyotes, apparently in one of the two games Souray didn't miss to injury.