If You Needed any more Proof that Smith Is not the Goalie Tampa Thought He Was when They Traded for Him...

Let the jokes begin. For example, Mike Smith is sooo bad that Andrew Raycroft now has his job with the Dallas Stars. There are others, but nothing really exemplifies his suckiness as much as the video evidence from last night's 8-1 Boston Bruins bouncing of the Tampa Bay Lightning. Here is Dennis Seidenberg making him look like the plug he is. Smith ended up making 17 saves on 22 shots, further lowering his save percentage (but just barely) to .872 on the season. His goals-against average got a boost as well to 3.57.

Admittedly Dan Ellis wasn't any better last night, making just seven saves on 10 shots once Smith got the hook. Of course, it should be pointed out that Raycroft now has his job in Dallas as well, with Ellis once playing one game for the Stars in 2003-2004. Still, Ellis is signed beyond this year and Smith is going to be an unrestricted free agent, likely destined for a coaching job in some backwards golf-hungry island nation in the South Pacific that thinks the point of hockey is to score less points than your opponent. Because you know what they say: Those that can't do teach, and are named Mike Smith.

So, goaltending remains the one glaring position of weakness for the Lightning that hasn't had a name in net since 2003-2004 when Nikolai Khabibulin helped to lead the team to the Stanley Cup. The only conclusion to be made in regard to who has the inside track to the starting job in Tampa? Soon-to-be UFA Jean-Sebastien Giguere, of course... the dude that now has Raycroft's job in Toronto. It just makes sense.

Refs Give Raycroft, Stars Victory in Spirit of Holiday Season

Dallas Stars goalie Andrew Raycroft has been through enough, don't you think? He has essentially gone from the best up-and-coming goaltender in the league (Calder Memorial Trophy-winner in 2004) to a washed-up has-been that wasn't even able to stay on with the Toronto Maple Leafs, despite tying a team-record 37 wins in 2006-2007. Sure, he sucked in "earning" those wins, but it seems to me that, looking at Toronto's situation right now, the Leafs would gladly trade off some their actually competent goaltending for a few victories every now and then (and they could add in "defenseman" Mike Komisarek as a gesture of goodwill while they're at it). Now he's resorted to becoming the Mike Sillinger of goaltenders, going wherever a back-up is needed and then quickly cutting tail and running out of town out of fear of being discovered for the charlatan he really is. I mean, he does share a nickname with Ray Emery. Riding on his coattails will only get you so far.

In any case, it being near Christmas and all, I can kind of see why the league would want to throw some charity his way. That charity came in the form of a disallowed goal for the Washington Capitals on Thursday night that saw referee Dan O'Rourke waive off what would have been the game-tying 2-2 goal with less than 10 seconds left in the game due to supposed goalie interference on Alexander Ovechkin. In truth, I can kind of see why O'Rourke would make the call he did based on his vantage point, but the truth of the matter is Stars defenseman Karlis Skrastins should really not have been given the benefit of the doubt, because he's just that clumsy of a blue-liner. A career +/- of -40 (should be -41 after last night) will reveal as much. It's a case of O'Rourke needing to know just who he's dealing with, and that includes Raycroft. Wouldn't the real Andrew Raycroft give up that critical goal late in a game? Why yes, he would. And perhaps five more up to that point.

Kings Crown Sturm as Kovalchuk Reduced to Role of Court Jester in Jersey

"If I hear someone compare me to Kovalchuk again, I'm going to lose it."

Calling Marco Sturm the poor man’s Ilya Kovalchuk would be a little unfair, seeing as the two couldn’t be more different as players:

One’s production this season has been non-existent, while the other has been injured. One will be an unrestricted free agent this summer, while the other will be an unrestricted free agent only by the time the moon is safely colonized. One has never reached the 100-point plateau, while the other, well, hasn’t either, but was never expected to to begin with.

So, while Sturm does make less money than Kovalchuk (a salary-cap hit of $3.5 million versus one of $6.67 million), it isn’t because the Boston Bruins, the team that signed him to his current deal, are any poorer than the New Jersey Devils. They’re just more sane.

In any case, Sturm’s not necessarily any less of a player than Kovalchuk. In fact, one could make a good case that Sturm is actually more valuable than Kovalchuk. I mean, wanting to carry the puck all the time to the point that it becomes like an extra appendage is all nice and good, but you do need actual teammates every once in a while and Sturm’s hit is much more manageable in that regard. That he joins a team, the Los Angeles Kings, already rife with young talent, following a trade with the Boston Bruins on Thursday, speaks volumes as to just how well this deal will work out for L.A.

So, no, general manager Dean Lombardi doesn’t get the superstar scoring winger he had envisioned signing this summer and instead gets a solid depth player that will probably fit in better with the team, perhaps as a second-line left-winger.

When healthy, the Kings have a glut of top-six forwards, and when Sturm is finally able to hit the ice and come back following his knee injury, the Kings will be a better team... a good team. L.A. has lost four in a row and has dropped to two points out of a playoff spot, but Sturm in theory will serve as a much needed injection of energy and life into the line-up, unlike Kovalchuk, who has acted like an incubus (minus the catchy alt-rock choruses) in New Jersey, helping to suck out whatever life the ever-boring Devils might have had left after years of playing defensive-style hockey to death.

"A king, maybe, but not of rock n' roll"

Considering just how badly the New Jersey Devils have imploded, Lombardi may just be thanking his lucky stars (and Lou Lamoriello) that he had to settle for Alexei Ponikarovsky and Sturm. If settling means not signing a lifelong commitment with a player whose definition of the word “pass” is what he does when checking “have a team mortgage its future by signing me to a 15-year deal” off his to-do list... well, let’s just say the Kings are most definitely gladly getting drunk off their asses as we speak and looking to drive down to Las Vegas the next person with female privates that walks in the Staples Center doors for an impromptu wedding ceremony. That Lombardi kind of looks like Elvis Presley is just gravy.

Not only that, but, since this move is a cash-dump by the Bruins, the Kings are not really giving up much of anything of value in return. Reports have a conditional draft pick going to Boston, which likely means, unless Bruins management has suddenly switched places with that of the Detroit Red Wings, there should be few concerns that L.A. is giving up the next Henrik Zetterberg in the trade.

The deal is expected to be made official later today and, for a team that has been waiting since July 1 to put the finishing touches on the contender they were thought to be entering this season, it likely can’t come soon enough. It would bring an end to a saga that has had about as many twists and turns as a Kovalchuk-led rush down the ice. He’s got mad skills, no doubt, but so does a serial killer on the loose. Kings fans can thank God New Jersey’s his latest victim and not L.A.

... And on the First Night of Hanukkah the Florida Panthers Gave to Me...

I think the Florida Panthers are taking this whole stereotype of Jewish people migrating down South to retire a little too far... I mean it's not like droves of Jews are showing up to their games, let alone anyone else. In any case, the Panthers will be celebrating the Jewish festival of goal lights, apparently, next Tuesday in a game against the Colorado Avalanche by giving away, wait for it, wait for it... kippahs!

The first night of Hanukkah was last, so eight candles later would bring us to Wednesday, making it pretty evident that someone in Florida can at least do some basic addition despite the gaping hole in logic that seems to befall the entire organization as a whole. Does anyone there really think that people are going to show up to a Panthers game because they can pick up a kippah, the top of which will be graced with the team's logo? If so, they probably don't realize the true meaning behind the glorified tea cozy (director Guy Ritchie's words, not mine). Jews wear kippahs to remind themselves that God is above them. Having the Panthers logo on top of one kind of sends the wrong message, not because it's as if to say the Panthers are gods (I don't think anyone would think that... EVER), but because it's incredibly cheesy.

Anyway, what's doubly confusing about this whole giveaway is that the Panthers don't exactly have any Jewish players on the team to properly leverage the promotion. A simple google search would reveal just a handful of Jews in the NHL: The Montreal Canadiens' Mike Cammalleri and Jeff Halpern, Chicago Blackhawk Marty Turco, the Minnesota Wild's Eric Nystrom, Vancouver Canuck Tanner Glass (maybe), Toronto Maple Leaf Mike "Not Dustin" Brown, and, of course, the Swedish contingent of Dallas Star Nicklas Grossman, New Jersey Devil Johan Hedberg, and Detroit Red Wing Henrik Zetterberg. Just kidding about those last two, but Grossman is Jewish according to reports. Of course, come to think of it, Cory Stillman might be, along with superheroes Superman, Batman, Spider-Man, etc.

Not that the Panthers should have felt obliged to give away anything for the holidays, but kippahs do beat gelt. The team does admittedly need every gold-covered chocolate cent it can spare, unless this whole gimmick is just its way of reaching out to commissioner Gary Bettman, which would explain a lot. He's been due for retirement for the past 17 years.

Happy Hanukkah and Holidays. Peace.

Raymond Scores Every Which Way Against the Flames... Well, Pretty Much all the Canucks Do

Wednesday night marked the second-career hat trick for Cochrane, Alberta-native Mason Raymond, who comes from a town that's so fast-growing, they're apparently running out of first names. All due respect to the one, whom non-hockey fans would assume was actually named Raymond Mason, something just seems to click when he's in his backyard, with his first three-goal game coming in Calgary against the Flames as well in December 2009.

The hat-trick helped pace the Canucks to a 7-2 victory, a score that doesn't really do justice to the game, which was relatively close after two periods (3-2, with Vancouver holding a 24-14 edge in shots), but then again you don't get scored on four times in the third period without doing a lot of things badly. In the Flames' case, the main thing was showing up at all, which really seems to a recurring problem of theirs of late unfortunately.

Raymond added an assist for a career-high four points, but it was the way he scored his goals - one coming shorthanded (a real beauty), one coming on the power-play, and one coming at even-strength - that must have made the night really special.

As for the Canucks as a whole, things seem to be meshing at the right time (is there ever a wrong time, really?). They've got depth at forward (Raymond's presence helps to prove it, as does that of Raffi Torres, Manny Malholtra, etc.), at defense (to the point usual number-two defenseman Keith Ballard was a healthy scratch earlier this season), and in goal (back-up Cory Schneider could start for several teams right now), making them Canada's best chance at a Stanley Cup. Just don't tell Montreal Canadiens fans, though. They might just riot out of sheer principle. Hell, they're likely to riot at the drop of a hat.

A Day Later: the Robbery that Shocked the Hockey World...

Rest in Peace, Pat Burns (1952-2010)

By now, everyone has heard of the scum of the Earth that stole from Pat Burns’s widow after the hockey legend’s funeral on Monday. But now comes a genuinely classy gesture by the Montreal Canadiens, who have offered their support, with team spokesman Donald Beauchamp relaying that the Habs will help to raise funds for the arena being built in the Eastern Townships of Quebec that will bear his name.

Of course, the arena stands to benefit the welfare-addled border town of Stanstead, Quebec, but it also stands to serve as a long-lasting tribute to an eventual Hall-of-Famer. The 30 autographed jerseys that were stolen out of his widow Line’s car were meant to be sold at a charity auction, with the proceeds going towards the construction of the arena, slated to be completed in 2011. As such, not only did the low-lives steal from Burns but essentially from a good cause as well.

What’s really sad is no one should truly be surprised. Maybe at the stupidity of the act, but not at the indecency of it. After all the press the incident has received, these incompetent thieves, who evidently wouldn’t know right from wrong if they were driving a NASCAR race backwards, are now stuck with the jerseys without the ability to peddle them. No memorabilia store, reputable or not, will ever touch them, not just out the ethical obligation to call the police if they ever turned up, but because carrying them would risk ruining their reputations in turn.

So, now, these losers, who should have known this was going to happen after they made the conscious decision to rip off such a high-profile and well-respected family, are stuck with the jerseys and whatever else they stole. They also can’t do much else other than hide away the fruits of their labour in a closet until the day they die out of fear of someone they know and love seeing it all, being able to put two and two together, and realizing what big douches they are.

As for the day they die, not only can it not come soon enough, but when it does finally arrive, those jerseys will be discovered eventually, besmirching what one can expect are already somewhat ruined names. Because, let’s face it, if you steal from someone like Pat Burns on the day of his funeral, it likely isn’t the first time you’ve done something shady.

In any case, the fact that this went down in Montreal, a city that has earned a classless reputation in recent years for not being able to even win with grace, rioting if the Habs so much as score on the power play in the playoffs, puts that much more of a bitter taste in your mouth. No one expected this to happen, but now that it has you have to just groan and question your faith in humanity, especially if you’re a Montrealer, knowing how much Burns contributed to the franchise, earning a 174-104-42 record as the team’s head coach over four seasons.

As such, good on the Habs for doing what’s right. It’s a real shame that they have to, though. It’s a bigger shame that, as dumb as these criminals undoubtedly are, they’re probably smart enough not to be caught, brought to justice, and made an example of for all other hockey “fans” in the city to see.

If You Needed Further Proof 'Gagne' Is French for Win, here You Go

It's not that the Tampa Bay Lightning's Simon Gagne's return to action on Tuesday was so great that it's got everyone cheering (although it was a pretty decent performance overall). It's that his season up to that point was so bad. I mean, his two points last night effectively doubled his offensive output up to that point. Wait... that's not right. Tripled? Huh. My mind must be slipping. What multiplied by "Zero points" yields two?

Indeed, his game-winning goal and his assist on Ryan Malone's game-tying goal in the second period were his first two points of the year in seven tries. Of course, here's hoping he keeps it up and is able to put the past and his neck injury behind him, because no one wants to look at the salary dump that brought him to Tampa (for defenseman Matt Walker and a fourth-round pick) as a win for the Philadelphia Flyers... except maybe Walker's parents.

In any case, his breakthrough performance on Tuesday was made possible by Martin St. Louis, scoring the 3-3 game-tying goal with less than 10 seconds to go in the game. As such, in a sense, it was also made possible by the Toronto Maple Leafs and their inability to win games this year. Still, good on Gagne for finally getting it going.