Habs Calling It A Season

In my last post I made a case for the Habs and their dreadful campaign. Allow me to even out the playing field…

Before I completely rag on this team, let me first say that it was exciting to see Blake Geoffrion in a Habs sweater for the first time. He was pretty soft of the puck for his debut, but nerves are excusable for his first effort. Not only is he a Geoffrion, but also think about how freaky it would be for anyone to make his debut as part of such a winning franchise. I mean, really. Does this team ever stop constantly winning? I’m surprised any Hab has time to shave in the morning for all the winning. Just one win after the other, let me tell you.

The Canadiens are currently 11 points behind the Capitals in the race for the final Eastern playoff spot, with 18 games to go. It might take a combination of Jesus, Tony “Bananahands” Robbins, and 22 copies of ‘Miracle’ on DVD to make it happen, but it is not yet officially impossible to save this season.

Regardless, after an especially soft effort by the Habbies last night, where they were edged 2-1 in Tampa, it looks as though they’re packing it in and calling it a season.

Pretty generous, if you ask me. I wouldn’t call it a season. I would call it an asshole. I would walk straight up to the Habs’ 2011-12 season, look it straight in the eye, and say “Look, pal. You’re an asshole. And that’s all there is to it.” I mean, the mess they’re in is something to behold. It’s uncategorical!

“At least they weren’t slaughtered,” says my girlfriend, Jacky, after the game.

A valiant effort to thwart my hurling of coffee mugs at walls, Hun, but the scoreboard can be a very deceiving thing.

The beauty of this game, as to any sport, is that there are all these hidden variables to why things happen -- things like a defenseman who uses more energy than necessary on an unsuccessful fore-check, only to be a few breaths short of a successful back-check to follow -- but what I’m specifically referring to is that they all play for themselves in the grand scheme of things. It is almost inconceivable to suggest that a player would dumb down their play for the good of the team’s lottery chances, though it does seem to look that way.

Confidence is paramount.

Lets take a peek at a few interesting stats regarding two players with two of the most important roles on this Habs team:

C Tomas Plekanec

Plekanec’s average ice-time is listed at 20:37. As the Habs resident PK specialist he has been called upon pretty often this season. The problem is that he has the 2nd worst plus/minus in the entire league.

This is an assistant captain who is widely considered to be the best player on this team and I am not convinced that Coach Cunneyworth has a clue in the world how to use him. Get to know your players, man. Yes he is good on the PK, but he really thrives offensively as an unbelievably gifted playmaker. The way Pleks has been utilized this season is criminal and it shows in his lack of confidence.

This result is not solely the fault of coaching, as poor management by Pierre “Mr.” Gauthier never resulted in acquiring formidable line mates for Tomas, though I think a consistent length of time centering Eller and Kostitsyn might have resulted in some dangerous chemistry.

D Tomas Kaberle

I should first note that, regardless of his Leafs persuasion, it is my opinion that Kabs used to be one of the best decision-making, puck moving, break-out defenseman in the entire league. I wanted him on the Canadiens team badly.

Fast forward to this year's trade deadline . . .

Lets put it this way: In return for him I would have accepted a conditional 30th round pick, contingent on whether he can tie his own skates in under half an hour in more than one regular season game.

Listed at -19, Kaberle is the worst D-man in the entire league in plus/minus. The worst.

Holy hell, man. What is the major malfunction?

Granted, this is a man who was obviously brought in to help the Habs PP, but lord knows I’m not going to dig out that armpit of a stat. Nor do I want to bring up his pairing with Campoli.

Kaberle is not necessarily on board to “defend”, but his TOI, listed at 17:40, suggests otherwise. He is the 3rd most-used defenseman behind Subban and Georges.

These are only a few stats that illustrate just a few discrepancies involving this albatross of a season for the Habs. There are a few exciting and glaring upsides, notably the Cole line with the baby genius David Desharnais leading the team in scoring, +/- and being just over 50% in the face-off circle, but lets face it . . .

As the Hollywood of Canada, Montreal fans love the dirt. They prefer to jump into the back seat, the pissed-off end of the bandwagon.

As an obsessive fan, it will always sting the ‘ol ass to watch this team lose, even if it is to gain a Grigorenko, a Galchenyuk, or maybe even a Yakupov in turn. Yes, but you sure as shit won’t see me complaining as one of them hits the stage, awkwardly pulling the CH over their heads for the first time.

Just all of you be sure to spend the next 18 games on your knees, praying like hell to the God of Hockey Fate, Lottery Luck and Amateur Scouting to end up with the real deal stud, and not the real deal dud.

And be real polite about it, ‘cause judging by our Habs’ recent draft history, I think that God is a Bruins fan.

- Amos Legault

A case for the drab Habs

Around a month or two ago I had sudden pains in my left-kidney area that cannot be described. A quick trip to the hospital, I eventually left with some percocet, a strainer with which to catch the stone, and a sterilized container with which to keep it for later analyzing.

As the whole obscenely painful ordeal coincided perfectly with the most obscenely painful Habs season in my long time as a fan, there the stone will sit, in my medicine cabinet, as reminder of how the bottom of the barrel truly feels. Let me tell you, this shit hurt. I mean absolute murder on the pain meter, but it doesn’t quite loom and linger mentally like a terrible season does.

A sharp, crystal-sharded, (not so) miniature asteroid for all future seasons to be measured by.

But has the time come to jump ship? Maybe join my prideful father-in-law as a full-fledged Sens fan?

Fat chance, old man.

It does go without saying that this year has been a cruel mixture of unimaginable letdown and false hopes for all Habs fans alike. This mixture, which has by now run dry of the hope side, has become so poison, so potent that it has brought me through stages of apathy that I never thought could materialize in Habs fandom...

From the "Fuck it, let's tank," stage to “Why am I so excited? All right, here we go. We can do this boys,” and back down to a more serious “Forget it, I’m canceling the Center Ice package so I have no choice but to miss watching these monstrosities that are masquerading as Habs players, these Disney on ice productions.”

It’s true, this season marks the first time I’ve ever considered missing a game by choice.

Yes, every true fan of any team overreacts when it comes down to the wire and your team just isn’t winning. You become blind to team effort, to fatigue, to injuries and to the simple humanity of your teams players. You’re aware of these things, but they don’t consistently register during bad droughts. However, It is until now that I have really meant what I scream about to my completely oblivious girlfriend after a Habs match.

The Canadiens currently lurk at 27th in the league in wins, 28th in points, and 29th on the PP. There are a lot of variables to why they have lost so many games and they don’t just pertain to individual players or individual roles, be it offence, defense or Price. It’s not just coaching, either.

When the Habs players, or any players, give those unbelievably bland interviews about how their astronomically bad season can only be remedied with a “team effort”, they’re telling the truth. All it ever sounds like to big fans is bullshit, like a pile of empty promises, but it really does boil down to every role not clicking together. Fans are just more than tired, if not overtired, of hearing it. As are the players of saying it, which was most evident in an interview with Lars Eller after .

I hate to reference the dreaded Massholes as an example of success, and it has been said before, but if you look at last year's Bruins team it was group where every role you could name was clicking together.

There are always popular players and roles to blame for an abysmal campaign. For example, the outcome of this Habs season has rarely been put on Carey Price by media or fan.

If we’re to look at just a couple of Montreal’s percentages, currently 26th in the league in winning percentage when being outshot, and 9th in shots against, we’re left to think that if not for our beloved netminder this team may have set various all-time records for complete and utter suckery. That just isn’t the case, but fans shouldn’t have to read too much into everything like that. Not every fan lives and breathes a hockey team.

Whether it’s mostly on account of questionable managing by Pierre Gauthier, poorly executed special teams, coaching, soft defense, or a lack of fluent French, the fans deserve a winning team to cheer in any city. Their team should win, regardless of any perfectly formidable excuse, and they should win in spades.

There are so many sides to this hideously ugly coin with 62 games already in the books, but if any of us want the credibility of calling ourselves truehearted Habs fans, we should also be able to call ourselves the few that, however impossible, kept a positive outlook for the future through the most poorly managed, poorly executed season in a long while.

It has proud ring to it.

- Amos Legault