Chelios Takes a Page out of Favre’s Playbook

It’s official. Defenseman Chris Chelios is hockey’s equivalent of Brett Favre, minus the gratuitous shots of male genitalia, of course.

Favre’s recent sexting scandal aside, is there another hockey player out there that best embodies Favre’s desire to compete well into his years as an octogenarian? Because there’s no way around saying it: Chelios is just as bad as the over-the-hill quarterback... maybe even worse if you factor in his being eight years older and not cutting it at his sport’s highest level any more. More to the point, despite retiring in August at the age of 48, Chelios is finding it difficult to let go and has decided to return based on reports Friday that he’s in negotiations to play in the KHL.

If there was ever indication that Chelios is both desperate to keep playing AND that his skills aren’t up to snuff any longer, this is unfortunately it. Because what was once Russia’s superleague is actually about as super as Clark Kent during a colonoscopy, being prodded open with a bar of kryptonite. Because the team for which he might end up playing, Vityaz Chekhov, boasts the talents of such renowned former North American superstars as Josh Gratton and Chris Simon. That’s right. Chris Simon. The guy that was forced out of the NHL, because he could no longer play the role of a tough guy, beating opponents senseless until they were bloodied mangled corpses on the ice, on the up-and-up.

Far be it for me to criticize one of the game’s great defensemen, a sure first-ballot Hall of Famer, but in order to even get nominated you kind of have to stay retired. I understand that getting in after three years and then returning to the game (a la Gordie Howe) is out of the question seeing as at that point he’ll be on the verge of surpasssing Howe’s record of playing until he was 52 (kind of, with Howe being the oldest NHLer to retire at the age of 52) and that’s something he said he would never do out of sheer principle. Even so, this is getting kind of ridonkulous. Impressively ridonkulous, but ridonkulous all the same.

"Ahh, how I look fondly back upon the days when I was a young and naive youngster of just 41."

Chelios deserves to do what he loves, and if he loves playing professional hockey up until he’s 80, power to him. I mean he loves hockey so much he played in the AHL last year, biding his time until he got a worthwhile offer to return to the NHL. But he should realize that he only managed to play seven games with the Atlanta Thrashers last year, earning a +/- rating of -2. That was his first negative rating since being on some pretty bad Chicago Blackhawks teams in the late 1990s... which, just to offer some perspective, was around the time his teammate Evander Kane was entering second grade.

His game is clearly not where it was (amazingly, though, I’m sure there are coastlines that have eroded worse than he has under the test of time), so it’s clear the only thing he’s looking to accomplish is to hold onto a key part of his past just a little longer. There’s nothing wrong with that, per se... it’s just freakish is all. If he wants to play in Russia and be thought of by his “peers” as some relic from before the collapse of the Soviet Union (which he actually is), it’s of course his choice, but maybe before any decision is final he should watch a Minnesota Vikings game or two on television and realize that Favre’s hindering and not helping his team.

"In just 20 years, maybe."

Admittedly the role Chelios would likely fill would not carry as much responsibility as that of a QB, but even that should be taken by him as a hint for him to stay retired. And if Favre’s fall from grace isn’t enough of a deterrent, maybe an example that hits a little closer to home will be: does he really want to be like Dominik Hasek? Does anyone? He’s proven his point, that he can. But he shouldn’t and instead should take a step back before the term “groin pull” takes on the not-so-fun meaning.

Avs probably still Kicking Themselves for Losing to Oil as Hall Nets First Game-Winning Goal

Everyone knows that the Edmonton Oilers have been a bad team this year, as their 6-11-4 record (as of Thursday night) speaks for itself. But few really know how bad. One stat potentially sheds some light on the situation: Their penalty-kill efficiency of 67.5%. Think about that for a second... on average, every three penalty kills they give up one goal, which I guess would be the NHL's version of the three-date rule.

Not only that, but they've also given up a league-high 3.86 goals per game, which, needless to say, is astoundingly high. Scoring on the Oilers has become so easy that there has been a sudden unmanageable increase in the number of horny, sexually frustrated teenagers looking to drop everything in order to pursue a career as an NHLer, which would be all fine and good if the only team they could most realistically make wasn't the Oilers.

However, all is not lost, as the future of the organization (admittedly long-term future) is still very bright. A recent TSN poll (link here) asked Canadians which of the six teams up north was in the most trouble. While the Calgary Flames seem to be running away with it right now, the Oilers are unjustifiably in second place (although one could argue that the Flames are also unjustifiably in first). Unlike the Toronto Maple Leafs, for example, the Oilers are knee-deep in top-level talent. The only problem is it's going to take a few years for that talent, like a fine wine, to mature. The Leafs may be better off right now, but when your only legitimate blue-chip prospect is Nazem Kadri you might as well forego the fermentation process altogether, get drunk off your ass as soon as possible, and try to drink away your sorrows, because they ain't ever going away any other way.

However, in the here and the now, there is a very real concern that the Oilers losing the way they have been will irreparably damage them. Thankfully Taylor Hall brought some joy, however short-lived it is to be, to the City of Champions on Thursday with the first game-winning goal of his career, scored with under 30 seconds left in the Oilers`game against the Colorado Avalanche. It may not be much, and in the end those two points may very well end up screwing the Oilers out of a top pick in June, but at least they would have screwed themselves in such a scenario... an infinitely preferable situation to the alternative, at least in hockey, anyway.

Hell Has Frozen over: Hedberg Is more Valuable to the Devils than Brodeur

I don’t know what’s sadder in New Jersey, that perennial Vezina Trophy-contender Martin Brodeur currently has a save percentage barely over .900, or that his back-up Johan Hedberg needed a shutout streak of over 100 minutes to raise his to .896.

"Usurped by a guy nicknameed 'Moose'? Don't make me laugh!"

Truth be told, it’s probably the latter, but what’s perhaps saddest concerning the Devils’ goaltending situation is that Hedberg is now over .500 with a 3-2-1 record, while Brodeur is 4-10-1. Everyone knew the Devils signing Hedberg to a two-year deal this off-season was a sign of the times (i.e. Brodeur not being able to carry as much of the load as he used to), but this is getting ridiculous. With Brodeur out with a sore elbow for a few more days, Hedberg has actually been a rock in nets and has helped to solidify the team’s shaky defensive situation by posting a shutout against the Washington Capitals and then helping his team to beat the Calgary Flames 2-1 on Wednesday

All of a sudden the Devils are playing decently and can proudly lay claim to their first winning streak of the season, albeit one of a modest two games. Okay, maybe not-so proudly lay claim to, but the point is if ever there was a sign that things were turning around for the 7-13-2 Devils, this is it.

Things had gotten so bad that when Ilya Kovalchuk scored a game-winning goal a few weeks ago, analysts were saying how impressive a victory it was for the Devils and how important a goal it was for Kovy. People conveniently turned a blind eye to the fact that the Devils were playing the Edmonton Oilers at the time, one of only two teams currently with a worse record than them, and that the goal came on a power play in overtime no less. Not scoring and winning the game under that set of circumstances would have been akin to a jonesing drug addict not getting his fix despite having his dealer on speed dial and a huge wad of cash in his pocket after ripping off the convenience store down the street. Add in the fact that back-up Devan Dubnyk was in nets for the Oil (Brodeur was for the Devils) and a victory like that should not only be marginalized, it should be stricken from the records out of sheer principle.

So, no, that win wasn’t the turning point for which Devils fans were looking, especially since the team went on to lose three straight after that. This current winning binge has shown far greater signs of life in the team than Kovalchuk did after that goal was scored, which was perhaps an even greater sign of how far the team’s fallen from grace, because in essence it was like talking smack to a baby after stealing the lollipop from straight out of his mouth. But when things are bad I suppose you overemphasize the good and look for the silver lining in the raincloud even if you’re stuck under your leaking roof during a storm and can’t see past the raindrops drowning both the outside and inside of your window.

At this point, it’s clear hell has frozen over with Hedberg making a case to be the go-to guy from here on out. I’m not saying it should happen or that it’s going to, only that there’s a case to be made much to that effect. The Devils are seven points out of the last playoff spot in the Eastern conference and seeing as the Montreal Canadiens earned the eighth seed last year with 88 points, the Devils would hypothetically need 72 points in the remaining 60 games. It’s not impossible, but is surely improbable for a team that has scored less than two goals per game so far.

Brodeur’s career has been circling the drain for some time, with his seemingly being unable to put together one of his signature playoff runs in recent years. It used to be that he would fade in the stretch run, everyone would count him out, then he would go on a tear to start the following season, everyone would think he was back, and then the cycle would repeat. Now he hasn’t even been able to start off half-decently. Granted an inexperienced defensive corps has something to do with that, but so does the undeniable fact that he’s 38.

"This cannot possibly end well."

Meanwhile, Hedberg is your prototypical late-bloomer. He really only got his start in the NHL at 28 and he’s always been an afterthought on whatever team for which he’s played only to eventually make a run, however feeble and ultimately unsuccessful an attempt, at the starting job. Last year, when he was 36, he posted his best season ever, going 21-16-6 with a 2.62 goals-against average and .915 save percentage. However, now he’s 37, and even if he is by some miracle able to convince head coach John MacLean that he’s the better choice for the team right now, he’s still in the twilight of his career no matter how you look at it.

As such, it’s good to look at what’s in the team’s pipeline right now from a goaltending perspective, which amounts to one prospect, singular, in Jeff Frazee, who’s only mustered a .895 save percentage and .500 record playing for the Albany Devils in the AHL this season. The bad news is obvious. The good news is he should fit right in with Hedberg and Brodeur should the need ever arise to promote him.

Maybe it’s time general manager Lou Lamoriello start taking an active interest in searching for Brodeur’s heir. If he spent one fourth of the time he did trying to sign Kovalchuk last summer, the team would be in good shape moving forward, but maybe he doesn’t need to. The Vancouver Canucks currently have Cory Schneider playing one game to every four of Roberto Luongo’s. Surely he could pry him off Mike Gillis’s cold, not-so-dead hands for the right price. He wouldn’t necessarily turn the team around, but he would serve as a stop-gap measure of sorts, because at this point Brodeur is not only (figuratively) bleeding out his elbow but his greying hair as well. Right now everyone in Jersey should be able to relate. Even the bald Lamoriello. Especially Lamoriello.

"This cannot possibly end badly."

Timonen Accidentally Breaks Pane of Glass, or so He Would Have us Believe

The lesson here, Rick Rypien, is if you're going to go after a fan in the stands in Minnesota, don't grab him by the collar. Shoot a puck in their general vicinity. That'll teach them to keep quiet, without anybody being able to prove your intentions. All of the intimidation, none of the hassle. For the record, I'm not condoning violence... just violence on over-zealous hockey fans. There's a difference.

O'Sullivan and Eller Score Garbage Goals for Their Firsts with Their New Teams

They say that the first cut is always the deepest, but when it comes to goals scored in hockey, unless you're Edmonton Oiler Jordan Eberle, they may very well end up being something best locked away in the attic upstairs for fear of remembering something truly ugly. Case in point would be Montreal Canadien Lars Eller and the Minnesota Wild's Patrick O'Sullivan's first goals with their new teams, each being scored on Wednesday night.

Contrary to popular belief, that wasn't Eller's first career goal. He had scored two with the Saint Louis Blues last year. Meanwhile, it may as well have been the first of O'Sullivan's long road travelled of a career. It's somewhat ironic that he'll be looking for a fresh start the same place he got his first ever... only to be tossed aside before ever actually playing a game with the Wild.

It's safe to assume that if he continues to score as he did last night, he'll not only get more ice time to go along with the projected-first-round-pick status he had going for him back in 2003, but also a relatively high spot on the team's depth chart along with some pretty big-name talent: Leading-goal-scorer Cal Cluttberbuck (7)? Kyle Brodziak? Matt Cullen? Eric Nystrom? John Madden? Antti Miettinen? Guillaume Latendresse? Chuck Kobasew? They had all better watch out. There's a new glorified third-liner on the block.

Blue Jackets' New Third Jerseys Are, Surprise, Surprise, Blue!

Geez, the last time anyone went this nuts for a third jersey, it was probably the third jersey ever made and the first two had probably sold like hotcakes (or whatever sold pretty fast in the olden days... yeah, probably hotcakes, whatever those actually are; cakes that are hot?). Honestly, I personally don't know what to make of it yet... the Columbus Blue Jackets have announced that they will only be worn a total of 15 times, so the response can't have been that great, one would think. The Jackets will wear them for the first time on Friday against the Detroit Red Wings, which you can generally take to mean that might not make it to a second game due to the baptism by fire they're likely to endure.

In all honesty, the Jackets have been a pleasant surprise with a 14-6-0 record and sit fourth in the Western conference. Kind of looks like they actually are playing with fire, trying to shake things up with a new look when they're on a roll. It unfortunately shouldn't be long before the owners realize the team is playing over their heads and burns the whole operation down for the insurance money (or whatever the hockey equivalent is). Pyromania really is the best way to go. If you're going to play with fire, you might as well do it right.

As an on-the-side note, the collar apparently hides the following motto: "We Fight. We March!", which was  made popular when the team made the playoffs for the first time in 2008-2009, because if you can't commemorate a four-game sweep at the hands of, coincidentally, the Wings, why should you commemorate anything at all?

Further Proof the Justin Bieber Phenomenon is Bursting out of Control

Those are the Montreal Canadiens being asked what they like about Justin Bieber. Other than Bieber being Canadian, is there really anything of value that ties one to the other? For God's sakes, he's not even from Quebec. He's Ontarian!!! Why not get the Maple Leafs to answer the question? At least then it would give them something else to worry about than putting pucks in the net. You're right... even that's cruel and unusual punishment... even for the Leafs. God! At least a handful of Habs answered "nothing" in response to the question. The best answer? Defenseman P.K. Subban saying he likes him because he's known for being "down to earth". That explains the whole cockiness thing. He's using the Biebs as a role model!