Building a Rep and Learning How to Get into Clubs as an Underage Goalie

"I'm so fly! Maybe a girl will actually let me buy her a drink tonight!"

It was nice to see Washington Capitals goalie Michal Neuvirth get his first-ever shutout on Wednesday night, not that it meant he had secured the number-one goaltending spot for the Caps all of a sudden, but because he just looks like he could use the acclaim being thrown his way, to, I don’t know, pop his cherry and grow up and out of that dazed-and-confused seventh-grader look of his.

For the record, Neuvirth is 22 (despite looking 10 years younger; even the beard he wears every so often looks like it could be the unwanted result of him getting drunk and falling asleep at a kegger way too early). His teammate and rival for that starting role is Semyon Varlamov, who’s also 22. Despite their age, they most definitely bring a sense of stability to the position in Washington not seen since the days of Jose Theodore... scratch that, Cristobal Huet... sorry, Olaf Kolzig... my bad... Jim Carey???

 

Let’s just say that they bring a level of competence never before seen in the Washington net. That’s even taking into account Huet playing pretty well for the team in the quarter-season he was with the Caps and Kolzig being a decent goalie back in the day, even winning the 2000 Vezina Trophy. However, it should never be forgotten that Carey also won the award in 1996, serving as proof that one Vezina does not make a career. All the Net Detective did after 1996 was travel between counties as part of a convention tour, signing autographs as “The Other Jim Carrey”, trying to make a living all the while getting up each morning in an alcohol-soaked bed laced with his own filth and beside a different confused groupie who thought she made it with the comedian... or so I’ve been told.

Interesting factoid: Kolzig and Carey doublehandedly ruined then-Buffalo Sabre Dominik Hasek’s bid for an unprecedented eight-straight Vezinas between 1993 and 2001. This of course serves as undeniable proof that there was a conspiracy at work at the highest levels. Need some more? Theodore won the award the very next season in 2002. What this conspiracy meant to accomplish is anyone’s guess, but there it is.

In any case, what is most surprising about Neuvirth’s sudden rise is that everyone had Varlamov pegged as the go-to guy after the Caps (wisely) decided not to re-sign Theodore. Varlamov was the one tasked with cleaning up Theodore’s messes the last two post-season’s, almost leading the Caps to the Eastern Conference Final two years ago before Washington fell to the Pittsburgh Penguins in seven games. This past post-season, he came in in relief of Theodore in game two of the Eastern Conference quarter-final against the Montreal Canadiens after Theodore had let in two goals on two shots. Varlamov then rallied the Caps to three-straight victories before everything came tumbling down for Washington.

Despite Varlamov’s success, including a 19-5 career record in the regular season, the injury bug has opened the door for Neuvirth, who seems to have the inside track toward earning that coveted starter’s position... and of course the title of the hardest-to-pronounce name between the two. Is it New-virth? Noi-virth? It’s long since been established that it’s supposed to be Var-LA-Mov and not Var-LAH-Mov, but I think it would make sense for the Caps to start putting on the phonetic pronunciations of players’ names on the backs of their jerseys. It could do fans some good to actually get to know and grow attached to the players they’re watching, especially seeing as both Neuvirth and Varlamov seem destined to stay a while.

For his part, Neuvirth, who has a 6-2 record so far this season, to go along with a .929 save percentage and a 2.18 goals-against average, may not end this season as the Caps’ undisputed number one, but he is definitely earning a name for himself, at least one worthy of his fake ID.

"One of these things is not like the others."