Beer with Breakfast? Now You Can, with Miller’s Kick-Save Crunch!

Buffalo Sabre, Vezina Trophy-winner, and, yes, even philanthropist Ryan Miller is arguably the best goalie in the game. Granted he’s on a bad team right now, but he can still snag pucks out of the air as if there were no tomorrow, and, as this video shows, he’s even pretty proficient with his stick (who really likes photographers, anyway?)... and, yet, ever the mind-boggling conundrum, no one has ever thought to give him his own cereal. Until now.

"Kick-Save? More like Kick-Ass!"

Thanks to PLB Sports, Miller fans in the Buffalo area  (or fans online at plbsports.com) can now enjoy drinking from a frosted mug and looking at his each and every morning, all the while eating spoonfuls of Kick-Save Crunch, which are advertised as: “a honey nut toasted oat cereal” with a portion of the proceeds set to benefit “The Steadfast Foundation, a non-profit foundation started by Miller to support and provide resources to children and their families who are fighting cancer.”

Of course, it’s important to note that PLB Sports is also the mastermind behind Ochocinco’s, the cereal named after the Cincinnati Bengals’ wide receiver of incredibly the same legal name. That in turn conjures up memories from last September when a simple typo mistakenly directed the well-intentioned, charitable people that bought his cereal to a phone-sex line instead of Feed The Children. A misprint on the box got the prefix of the telephone number to that non-profit organization wrong. As a result, those very same well-intentioned, charitable people were essentially put in a position to supply their credit-card information not to give a donation, but in exchange for another service entirely.

There were clearly several eye-opening details surrounding this story, most notably the inherent lack of due diligence on the part of whoever was responsible for checking the phone number. Clearly an example of someone being caught with their pants down. However, there’s also the fact that Ochocinco has his own cereal?! Needless to say, Miller doesn’t need to be lumped in with him or tarnish his family-friendly image anywhere near the point Ochocinco had his... even before the cereal incident. As such, I’m guessing actually promoting the cereal as a great on-the-side to a morning brew was never a realistic possibility. A shame. No one’s ever really cornered the ever-popular yet grossly undertargeted beer-just-when-you-wake-up segment before.

Assuming all the dots on the “i”s and crosses on the “t”s are checked properly, it’s a safe bet that this clear-cut Honey Nut Cheerios rip-off does stand to do a lot of good for children in need, even if jokes on the money to be donated and just “giving it away” are inevitable well into the foreseeable future. Good on Miller. If only he could coax teammate Thomas Vanek into doing similarly. He doesn’t even need a cereal, just the $4 million or so he doesn’t earn every year and a chequebook.

"How about Million-Dollar Zeros? That could work as a cereal, right?"

The McRib and Mikey Ribs: One Disappears for Long Stretches at a Time, the Other is a Sandwich

"Yeah, I'm a bad-ass. A bad-ass in prison, but still a bad-ass."

Dallas Star Mike Ribeiro has come a long way since his days of being a slimy, immature, and egotistical hockey player that walked around with a sense of entitlement all proud-like, like it was a man-purse back in the 1980s. Sure, it's been just one month - when he got arrested for public intoxication - but people can change!

Proof of that fact came on Thursday night, when Ribeiro shed his early-season skin of being unable to score, potting not only the game-tying goal against the San Jose Sharks last night (the Stars' second goal in 29 seconds), but also the game-winning goal in overtime. He now is on pace for just nine this year (and 76 points overall, with his 14 assists thus far), which would be his lowest goal total since 2002-2003 when he had just five as the immature, physically undevelopped skeletal shell of the player he has become today: a still immature, slightly larger but still skinny-as-hell shell of a player in general.

The Dallas Stars have clearly won the trade that brought him to Texas four years ago. As a Star, he has 289 points in 322 games, including one really awesome year in which he averaged more than a point per game (2007-2008, 83 points in 76 games). In contrast, I'm sure defenseman Janne Niinimaa had at least one really awesome game with the Montreal Canadiens during those 41 games he played for them. I mean those three assists of his could easily have come all in one game, right? Right???

Still, Ribeiro's coming out as a legitimate top-six forward (he had a few decents seasons in Montreal, but none that came close to matching the success he's enjoyed in Dallas) is slightly irrelevant from the Habs' standpoint. If they could have kept the point producer, even taking his inconsistency as part of the package but leaving out all the drama, they would have, but reports were that he was a distraction in the lockerroom and he didn't have the sense of the class needed to deal with the team's more distinguished alumni and ambassadors. As such, he needed to go. 

I'm sure in retrospect, Bob Gainey would have liked to get more for him than a glorified pylon in the defensive zone with a fancy-sounding name, but that's in the past, as is his position as general manager of the Habs. Here's hoping Ribeiro takes a page out of his book, is able to keep the past in the past, and has finally grown up after all this time... since mid-October.

Seen Stamkos, Lately?

Is it fair to call Thursday night's five-point performance by the Tampa Bay Lightning's Steven Stamkos (who got a hat trick, among the five) an explosion, when it seems like his entire start to the season has been an explosion out of the gate? Forget the fact that he now has 19 goals in 19 games this season. Hell, forget the fact that, dating back to late in his rookie season, he has scored 79 goals in 114 games, a 0.69 goal-per-game pace that would give him 57 in an 82-game season... which, coincidentally, is the same pace he set late in that rookie season, when, from March 17, 2009 onward, he netted nine in that year's final 13 games.

"Why would I know anything about hockey? I don't even know anything about hair."

Maybe it's just me, but I'm prepared to go out on a very long limb and say former Lightning head coach Barry Melrose, who limited Stamkos's minutes that year and said after getting fired in November after compiling a 5-7-4 record: "Right now he's just not strong enough physically to play against defensemen who are 6'3" or 6'4" that can skate as good as him" didn't know what he was talking about. Of course, an 82-103-21 coaching record before he took over the reins behind the Lightning bench to start the year might have also served as a good indication of that fact, but what are you going to do, Oren Koules and Len Barrie? Look back to see how successful the candidates to fill your team's head-coaching vacancy have been in the past?

For the record, Stamkos only had four points in those 16 games under Melrose and then went on to score 42 points in 63 games the rest of the way. And, now? Well, 35 points in 19 games. Need I say more? Probably not, but what the hell? Stamkos has arrived, is here to stay, and Melrose, may he never come back.

Things Aren’t Looking so Hot in Calgary

The Calgary Flames seem to be in the headlines these days for all the wrong reasons.

Reason #1: They’re playing an inconsistent brand of hockey (which is just a polite way of saying they suck)

Reason #2: The team’s supposed superstar captain is on pace for his worst season since 1997-1998, when he was still a bright-eyed sophomore, blind to just how fast being the only great player on a team can age you horribly

Reason #3: The general manager’s son gets arrested, prompting a debate as to whether or not it would be nepotic of him to keep him on the team as opposed to sending him down to the AHL, thus prompting an even larger, more interesting debate on whether or not it was nepotic of him to even draft his son in the first place

Reason #4: Said son gets outright traded to the Carolina Hurricanes along with Ian White for Anton Babchuk and Tom Kostopoulos and then gets placed on waivers, meaning maybe he really was never actually good enough to make the Flames

Reason #5: One of the team’s top (loose term) free-agent signings loses his composure when he finds out that he isn’t the one getting traded off the inconsistent (sucky) team (apparently holding out for the chance to eventually become a Flame three times in his career). He then takes it out on Phoenix Coyote Wojtek Wolski’s face on Thursday, prompting a three-game suspension

Obviously, in regard to the last reason, Olli Jokinen was given a five-minute major on the play in question, along with a game misconduct and a look of confusion from all in attendance. That is likely due to how the cross-check to the face took place between plays, with seemingly no provocation on Wolski’s part, and because no one has ever seen the dude “play” with such emotion before. Maybe he should just imagine the puck is Wolski’s face from now on.

Probably a nod to that unnatural ability of his to keep his emotions in check (and absent from his game completely), Jokinen had never been suspended before Thursday when the NHL’s powers that be reigned down on him like only they could on a first-time offender guilty of a by-and-large mild incident... or any player guilty of so much as slashing Boston Bruin Gregory Campbell.

"Aaaahhh! I'm useless without my stick! Well, less useless!"

The three games does seem pretty steep superficially, but when one takes into account the clear pre-meditation on Jokinen’s part, a one-game ban would have been a realistic expectation leading up to the league’s decision. As such, three will hardly nail him to the cross. In any case there is a silver lining that Jokinen can take away from all this, that when he was actually a superstar in this league, he would have been forced to forfeit a whole lot more. Granted he was also making a lot more money then, but you take the good news wherever you can find it, especially with the Flames in such dire straits right now.

Them giving up White is proof of just how bad things have gotten. They had to downgrade their defense one quarter of the year into the season when the playoffs are still a possibility. Sure, Babchuk may have two more points (8 vs. 6), but it’s clear that White is the better defender, arguably with greater offensive upside. So, really, it is a pretty bad trade that reeks of desperation. And that’s not just desperation born out of the need to cut ties with Brett Sutter, but desperation born out of the team’s financial irresponsibility.

"I want to come home."

Jokinen, Matt Stajan, Jay Bouwmeester, Ales Kotalik, Cory Sarich, and even Daymond Langkow, his neck injury aside, all represent inflated contracts Sutter has signed or taken on in the recent past. And with Jarome Iginla not getting any younger, not only is the Flames’ window of success in the league growing smaller with each passing day, but so is Sutter’s grasp of what it takes to build a winner. Sutter’s success in 2003-2004 was legendary, him taking a team that had gone seven seasons without a playoff appearance straight to the Stanley Cup finals. But it is now seven years later and the team has regressed considerably.

Sutter giving his son a chance in the NHL (when he probably didn’t deserve one) was maybe his way of trying to live vicariously through him. Maybe it’s time to consider that his trading him was his way of saying that he wants out too. One can hardly blame him if that’s the case... that is if he wasn’t mostly to blame for how bad things are now. And they’re plenty bad.

Evidence that Steve Downie Has Taken Mattias Ritola under His Wing in Tampa

Either Los Angeles Kings defenseman Jack Johnson hit Tampa Bay Lightning forward Mattias Ritola soooo hard on November 4th that the latter truly thought he was getting him back yesterday night with his best impression of former WWE superstar Rikishi Phatu (the hit, actually on New York Islander Matt Moulson, can be seen here); That, or his sense of timing is naturally that bad, thereby explaining just how he has turned out to be the first Swedish-born Detroit Red Wings draft pick to not pan out with the team, ever. I mean, c'mon, even Jonathan Ericsson, who was taken last in his draft year, LAST, has become an NHL regular. What's that say about you, Ritola? I'd be afraid of you hitting me from behind for telling it like it is, but the fact is I'm thousands of miles away... and you'd probably just end up getting some guy who didn't even look like me back instead.

Moulson ended up being okay, but a suspension should be handed out for the simple reason that the check was illegal on all counts: He left his feet, he hit Moulson from behind, and, if you look close enough, you can also see Ritola's elbow hit Moulson's head as well. That right there is the trifecta of stupidity, surpassed only by that time Steve Downie charged Dean McAmmond, left his feet, and launched himself right into his victim's head a few years ago. The end results were vastly different, probably mainly due to Ritola weighing just 192 pounds, and Downie already having earned a reputation of being a dirty player by the time he got around to concussing McAmmond (clearly knowing what he was doing at the time). At just 23 years of age, there's still time for Ritola to hone his craft. God knows he's got the perfect teammate to help him out.

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Halak Makes Big Boo-Boo en Route to Rout by Red Wings

Saint Louis Blues goalie Jaroslav Halak has lost his mojo. He's lost four-straight games, having allowed 19 goals, and getting the hook in one of them. And he didn't help matters when he made the misplay of the year on Wednesday night, scoring on himself, thereby giving Detroit Red Wing Drew Miller his first goal of the year. That's the bad news (okay, the really bad news). The slightly good news is this: maybe Miller can hook him up with his brother out of gratitude, get him to give Halak some tips, because nothing else seems to be working right now.

His stickwork? Clearly sloppy. His lateral mobility? He looks like he's slipping and sliding in KY jelly. His glove hand? Wonky to the point that he'd have more success grabbing and holding onto Carey Price's jock, which is saying something considering it was just last week that Halak was making the Montreal Canadiens goalie look like the prodigal son up north, only with the slight twist that after trading Halak the Habs had to take in Price for lack of another crazy-enough person to suit 'em up and let people take turns hitting him with vulcanized rubber (because, really, isn't that just what all goalies are, bat-crazy?). And, finally, Halak's once-icy-veined composure? Well, when you're being lit up to the point that he's been, it's just logical to assume the heat, at least from the goal light, will start getting to you. So the goalie who once withstood the pressure of an entire hockey-mad city at the most intense time of year now is just not cutting it.

Get well, Halak, because a world in which Price is outplaying you is one in which we can't make fun of him anymore. I don't think anyone wants that.